If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
