She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
