So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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