Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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