And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
