She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I would ride that face into the sunset
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
