ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
