you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
