I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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