she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
