I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
