my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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