nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
