God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
