My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
its liver damage thursday
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
