Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
