Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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