now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
