I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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