Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You were trust falling into bushes
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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