what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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