broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
