Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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