We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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