i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
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Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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