I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
