We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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