mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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