you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just found puke in my bra..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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