Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
