If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
