Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
...so i touched it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
