my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
