Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
