just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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