He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
