hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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