I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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