she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Vodka?
Forever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
