if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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