You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
