Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
