this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
