your room smells of hookers.
And success
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
