don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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