Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
