So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
