I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
