I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
