god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im drinking this country out of the recession.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
