life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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