I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
