cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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