I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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