I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
