Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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