Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize