i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
