The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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