Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
