just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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